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Funny Poem of the Week by FunnyPoets.com

a href='http://www.funnypoets.com'>FunnyPoets.com Your funny poem of the week is: Extremely Bad Advice for Parents A curious way to spot parents I'll tell you how, for free, They're the people with photos in their wallets Where their money used to be. Teach children the value of money, Remind them how much you've lost On a very regular basis, Tell them how much they've cost! Give children every toy they want, Don't let them nag you deaf, They'll be so bored that when they grow up They'll donate it all to UNICEF When your kids are being quite naughty, And playing up on you all day Tell them they once had a brother... The One that didn't obey! Encourage your children's independence They'll grow up strong women and men, Make sure they get lost at the supermarket Again and again and again .... Some signs on cars say 'Mum's Taxi' They really give me the fits, Its wrongly worded anyway, It's "Mum driven out of her wits"! Another piece of advice for Mum, When your child has a dirty face, Water is a poor alternative to Spit on a hanky of lace If your child gets a question right, Tell him "Boy, what a lucky guess!" Then he'll always think himself LUCKY, When he gets himself out of a mess. I wrote this in my diary words of wisdom straight from the heart "The face of a child can say it all," Especially - the mouth part Remember to get the family photos out When they bring their mates around - then Embarrass with their baby 'nudie' shots, They'll never have friends over again. When you're woken Sunday morning - with another question from your kid "Dad do you know where does rain come from?" Tell him, "God's crying over something you did!" If anything goes wrong with my parental advice Remember it was given for free I'll show you the photos in my empty wallet I'm broke SO DON'T SUE ME! Copyright; Lynette McCauley View more funny poems at FunnyPoets.com-1 unsubscribe FunnyPoets.com 5646 Fairway Road Fairway, Kansas 66205

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Question by Erika:
How lengthy right after smoking marijuana can I test negative in a drug test?
A couple days ago I took two hits of marijuana out of a pipe… other than that I have not utilized any drugs in the past month. If I need to have to take a drug test for a job inside the next week will I test possitive? If yes, how can I enhance my chances of testing negative?
Thanks to everybody who answered my question in a mature way. To each person else, if your not going to answer the question then just do not state something at all. Thanks =)

——————————————

Answer by inlovewithpink85
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Answer by Karen B
It takes 1 month to get out of your technique.

Answer by me for president!
Heaven forbid that you make a wise option and NOT smoke it in the first spot.

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How to Dress for a Summer Day Wedding

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Poetry Can Newsletter July 2011

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Poetry Can Newsletter July 2011 Welcome to the July Poetry Can Newsletter.  Preperations for Bristol Poetry Festival 2011 are now pretty much finalised. The programme looks like this: Fri 9th Sept          8.00pm       Park Street Poetry       Sat 10th Sept       8.00pm       Dead Poets Slam Sun 11th Sept        -    Mon 12th Sept      8.00pm        Acoustic Night   Tues 13th Sept      -    Wed 14th Sept      6.30pm       FLASH   Thur 15th Sept     12.30pm      Can Openers                              7.30pm       Simon Armitage, Sean O'Brien   Fri 16th Sept         7.30pm       Douglas Dunn, Katharine Towers,                                              Rachael Boast     Sat 17th Sept       12.30pm      20 Poets Perform                              3.00pm       Youth Poetry Slam                              7.30pm       Bristol Poetry Slam   Sun 18th Sept       3.00pm        Menna Elfyn, Owen Sheers, Ellie Evans                              7.30pm        The Captain's Tower                                              - a celebration of Bob Dylan at 70   Mon 19th Sept       7.30pm       The Music of Poetry                                               Dervla Kirwan and Johnathan Davidson   Tues 20th Sept       -                     Wed 21st Sept       7.30pm       Two Hats - One Green, One Blue and                                                One Red     However, if any poetry organisers or promoters would like to get in touch about planning something for the festival please use this programme as an anti-clash guide and get in touch with Poetry Can by emailing info@poetrycan.co.uk  The Poetry Can new website is now live at: www.poetrycan.co.uk  It is full of useful information and has a completely new look, however we are still uploading information to some sections of the site, so please be patient if what you are looking for isn't there yet.    In This Issue Poem of the Month Notices Events - Bristol and Bath Metonia Institute Poem of the Month The Men of Terry Street   They come in at night, leave in the early morning. I hear their footsteps, the ticking of bicycle chains, Sudden blasts of motorcycles, whimpering of vans. Somehow I am either in bed, or the curtains are drawn.     This masculine invisibility makes gods of them, A pantheon of boots and overalls. But when you see them, home early from work Or at their Sunday leisure, they are too tired     And bored to look long at comfortably. It hurts to see their faces, too sad and too jovial. They quicken their step at the smell of cooking, They hold up their children and sing to them.     Douglas Dunn from Terry Street published by Faber & Faber  Notices   Words & Ears/Bradford on Avon Fringe Festival Poetry Competition Deadline August 12th For downloads of the rules and details click here   Slambassadors online Youth Slam open for entries The Poetry Society's UK-wide Youth Poetry Slam is now open. Deadline for entries is Friday 9th December Young people across the UK, make some noise! Full details can be found here: Slambassadors     Live Canon International Poetry Competition 2011 Deadline: 29th July       First Prize: £1000 20 poems will be shortlisted and published in a collection to be performed at the prize giving. Judge: Glyn Maxwell For full details: Live Canon Comp    Creative Writing Summer Schools - Folkhouse, Bristol  Saturday workshops on creative writing £24.00/ £21.75, £15.50 10am to 4pm Sat 30th July: How To Plot Your Novel - do you have an idea for a novel? Have you started a novel, lost your way or got stuck? We shall go through how to plot a novel with commercial appeal. Mon 1st Aug: Poetry Workshop - fancy writing poetry, but don't know where to start? Been writing poetry and fancy writing more? Come along to this fun day workshop. Prepare to be surprised and come away with a poem or two! Weds 3rd Aug: The Writing Gym - flex your imagination, have fun and end up with your own writer's toolkit. Whether you are new to writing or need a kick start, come along and meet other people who want to write, while taking inspiration and tips away with you. All workshops led by Rosemary Dun - published author, lecturer in creative writing with the Open University, MA (Creative Writing). Ffi: http://www.bristolfolkhouse.co.uk/index.php    Myslexia Online Poetry Workshops In order to help people write poems to enter the Myslexia competiton (below) there are a series of specially-commissioned poetry workshops by Jane Holland. The workshops can be found by clicking here: Myslexia Workshops   Myslexia Women's Poetry Competition 2011   Deadline 18 July Judge: Jo Shapcott     Mslexia Women's Poetry Competition is for poems of any length and on any subject by women writers. Entry fee: £7 for up to three poems For more information, and a detailed list of rules, visit www.mslexia.co.uk/poetrycompetition Ffi: 0191 233 3860; poetry@mslexia.co.uk   Orchard Foundation   Creative Writing for Wellbeing Courses Creative writing for wellbeing courses and training with Fiona Hamilton and Nigel Gibbons at Glenfall House Retreat and Conference Centre, Cheltenham, Gloucs. For further details visit: www.orchardfoundation.co.uk    Poetry Can website - A to Z of poets The Poetry Can website now has an operating A to Z listing of poets. It is possible to add your name to the listing via the online form here.  However, on the new website, Poetry Can will now only be listing poets based in the South West who:  have been published (other than self-published) have won poetry prizes or awards   have been a featured poet at two poetry or literature festivals (including open-air festivals) if you are a performance poet you must have been booked as least twice by established promoters (eg Apples and Snakes)  If you fit these criteria please fill in the submission form as fully and up to date as possible and your listing will be added to the site. (It is not an automatic system so will take a few days to be checked and uploaded) If you are already in the listing please check your entry and send any updated information to Poetry Can via the submission form.  Spoken/Written Bulletin SW website Spoken/Written Bulletin SW covers the entire southwest region and contains a wealth of information about all things live and literary. Sign up now!    www.cartwheels-collective.co.uk/Spoken_Written_Bulletin.html    Professional Development Surgeries The Poetry Can offers free professional development surgeries for poets in the region. These will be available on Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. To book a surgery call Colin Brown, Director of Poetry Can, on:  (0117) 933 0900  The Poetry Can address The Poetry Can 12 Great George Street, Bristol,BS1 5RH Tel: (0117) 933 0900     website: www.poetrycan.co.uk  e: info@poetrycan.co.uk     Events (chronological) We would like to ask all events organisers to please update us whenever you can at:  info@poetrycan.co.uk or visit www.poetrycan.co.uk to submit your event to the website, and your event will be added to this newsletter.  Events listing as accurate as possible at time of publishing using information received.   Poetry Unlimited - Cafe Kino, Stokes Croft, Bristol Date: Tues 5th July     Time: 11.30am     Price: Free Bring a couple of poems to share, another poet's or your own. Theme of the month: Purchase Ffi: mandd@gentlyblown.co.uk   Bristol Can Openers - Central Library, College Breen, Bristol Date: Thurs 7th July      Time: 12.00      Price: free Featuring guest poet: David Briggs Plus open floor - bring your own work to share. A time to listen to and chat with other poets. Ffi: info@poetrycan.co.uk   Arts House Open Mic - The Arts House, 108a Stokes Croft, Bristol  Date: Thurs 7th July    Time: 8.30pm      Price: Free A poetry friendly unplugged open mic with alternating hosts Jeremy Toombs and Jules Landau. Ffi: www.theartshouse.org      Bath Poetry Cafe Writing Day- BRLSI, 16-18 Queens Square, Bath Date: Sat 9th July     Time: 3.30pm    Price: Free Featuring readings from fifteen poets who have attended the first ever Cafe writing Day. Ffi: jimboyle@gotadsl.co.uk   Story-Poems in the Yurt - St. Andrews Park, Bishopston, Bristol Date: Sun 10th July    Time: 12.00 - 6.00pm   Price: Free ParkArts11 presents poets Ralph Hoyte, Lawrence Pettener, Jackie Davis, Talking Tekla and Trevor Carter reading long 'story' or narrative poems all afternoon. Come flirt in the yurt with poetry!  Ffi: www.friendsofstandrewspark.ning.com    Poetry and a Pint - St James Wine Vaults, off Julian Rd, Bath Date: Mon 11th July    Time: 8.00pm    Price: £2 / £1 Open poetry slots- bring your own poems to share Plus special guests: David Briggs and Patrick Brandon Ffi: Richard Carder: 01225 313531       Bard of Windmill Hill - St. Stephens Church, off Corn St, Bristol Date: Weds 13th July     Time: 1.10pm    Price: Free Trevor Carter will be reciting poems accompanied by David Mowat on jazz trumpet.    Portcullis Poets -  Eugenie House, 1-3 Royal York Crescent, Bristol  Date: Thurs 14th July   Time: 8.00pm    Price: Free or £1 towards wine Open reading and discussion.  Doors open 7.50pm  Optional theme: Being Yourself Bring your own poems or those of others, or just come to listen.   Ffi:jdms@hotmail.co.uk   Arts House Open Mic - The Arts House, 108a Stokes Croft, Bristol Date: Thurs 14th July     Time: 8.30pm      Price: Free A poetry friendly unplugged open mic with alternating hosts Jeremy Toombs and Jules Landau. Ffi: www.theartshouse.org    John Hegley, Family and Friends - Bristol Central Library Date: Fri 15th July        Time: 7.00pm      Price £8 John Hegley performs his innovative and popular poems and songs in the beautiful siurroundings of Bristol Central Libraries Grade 1 listed reading room. Ffi: andrew.cox@bristol.gov.uk    Acoustic Night -Halo Cafe Bar, 141 Gloucester Rd, Bristol Date: Mon 18th July   Time: 8.15pm    Price: Free (donations) Bristol's longest running open mic poetry and music night. Featuring poet Sally Jenkinson plus musician Alex Garraway  Sign up from 7.45 for a slot. Ffi: anditrans@hotmail.com Facebook: Fans of acousticnightbristol   ASP Poetry Circle -Broadlands School, Keynsham Date: Thurs 21st July      Time: 7.30pm      Price: Free Bring a couple of poems to share, another poet's or your own. Theme: Bins Ffi: mandd@gentlyblown.co.uk     Arts House Open Mic - The Arts House, 108a Stokes Croft, Bristol  Date: Thurs 21st July     Time: 8.30pm      Price: Free A poetry friendly unplugged open mic with alternating hosts Jeremy Toombs and Jules Landau. Ffi: www.theartshouse.org     Poetry Afternoon with Lesley Saunders - Acton Court, Iron Acton, Bristol Date: Sat 23rd July     Time: 4.00pm      Price: £4 After a poetry workshop for all poets of all ages at 1.00-3.30pm Lesley Saunders will read from her collection I Am the White Horse inspired by her residency at Acton Court. Ffi: 01454 228224    Poetry at The Lansdown - The Lansdown, Clifton Rd, Bristol Date: Tues 26th July      Time: 8.00pm      Price: Free Round-the-table poetry and discussion group. All welcome to bring one or two of their own poems to read. Ffi: charlesthompson8000@yahoo.co.uk     Arts House Open Mic- The Arts House, 108a Stokes Croft, Bristol  Date: Thurs 28th July   Time: 8.30pm      Price: Free A poetry friendly unplugged open mic with alternating hosts Jeremy Toombs and  Jules Landau. Ffi:www.theartshouse.org     Under Stokes Croft - Bristol Old Vic, King Street, Bristol Date: Fri 29th July    Time: 7.00pm   Price: Free A live graphic novel by MC and Poet Jack Dean, Under Stokes Croft takes inspiration from Dylan Thomas' legendary Under Milk Wood to document 24-and-a-bit hours in the life of Bristol's own Bohemia, centering around the infamous night of 21st April 2011, the Tesco riots. Part of Bristol Old Vic's Ferment series Ffi: www.bristololdvic.org.uk   Jellyhead - Bristol Old Vic, King Street, Bristol Date: Fri 29th July    Time: 9.30pm   Price: Free Written and performed by Byron Vincent If you're going to fight a bully, ensure your back up isn't an imaginary dwarf. Just one of many lessons learnt in the exploits of an awkward kid at odds with his council estate. From aspiration to exasperation, drugs, dance music and disaffection.  Part of Bristol Old Vic's Ferment series Ffi: www.bristololdvic.org.uk      Please remember to check the Poetry Can website for further events news. The website is updated on a weekly basis. Poetry Can is a poetry development agency based in Bristol UK.   Poetry Can believes that poetry has a unique power to explore and express the experiences of life: poetry affects everyone. Poetry Can sees its role as enabling and encouraging as many people as possible across communities to get involved in poetry activity, raising awareness and enjoyment of this powerful art form. Poetry Can seeks guitarist/singer!   As part of Bristol Poetry Festival 2011, Poetry Can are putting on an event called The Captains Tower - a celebration of Bob Dylan at 70  which requires a guitarist/singer who can perform 3 songs by Bob Dylan:   Don't Think Twice Tangled Up in Blue and Dark Eyes.   If you can perform these songs to a high standard, or know of someone who can, please get in touch with Poetry Can at: info@poetrycan.co.uk    Links Poetry Society Arvon Foundation Cyprus Well The Poetry Library The Poetry Book Society Poetry Archive Writers and Artists Yearbook The Writing Centre Asian Arts Agency  Write Out Loud Poetry Bookshop Poetry Books Contemporary Writers   Supported by Arts Council England

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