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Published by Duncan Flynn
Copyright © 2004, All rights reserved.
PO Box 1041 ~
Maleny, Queensland
4552 Australia
Phone: 0417 721 802
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Funny Poets web site - http://www.funnypoets.com
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Author, Editor-in-Chief & Publisher:
Duncan Flynn email@funnypoets.com
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FUNNY OF THE WEEK:
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WELFARE BLOOPERS
The following excerpts are drawn from letters written by
citizens applying for payments from a state welfare agency.
I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.
In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to
twins in the enclosed envelope.
I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my son
illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week
before he was born.
Unless I get my money soon, I will be forced to live an
immortal life.
You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make a
difference?
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children,
one of which is a mistake as you can see.
I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me
why?
I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was
born.
Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been
visited regularly by the clergy.
Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am
now living with can't eat or do anything until he knows.
In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy
weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children I
have on half a sheet of paper.
My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I
haven't had any relief since.
I want my money as quick as I can get it. I've been in bed
with the doctor for two weeks now and he doesn't do me any
good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for
another doctor.
I am writing to say that my baby was born two years old,
when do I get my money.
This is my eighth child, what are you going to do about it?
You have changed my little boy to a little girl, will this
make any difference?
Please send me money at once since I have fallen into error
with my landlord.
I have no children as yet as my husband is a bus driver and
works day and night.
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FUNNY POEM OF THE WEEK:
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THE CUSTOMER
Copyright: Frank Halliwell
"Good morning! Thanks for calling us!
We're pleased to hear from you!
Your call's important to us
So we've placed you in a queue.
Please find your account number and
Be sure it is correct..
It's twenty digits long and if you
Mis-type, I'll reject.
I'll lead you through the whole routine
Please use your touch type phone.
Press eight and follow with the hash
After you hear the tone.
If you are a new client here..
Press two, ..if old, press three.
Press four in case we've done something
With which you disagree!
You have pressed four, please wait a moment
While I transfer you..
And please enjoy, while we play you
A symphony or two!
Our staff are all too busy now
To talk to such as you
Your call is so important that
We've placed you in a queue."
Time passes and the music lingers
On, and bye and bye..
My cheek and ear go fast asleep,
My wrist gets R.S.I.
But wait! It may be there is hope!
I hear a ringing sound,
At last a human voice is heard
After the runaround!
"Good morning, this is Ladies wear
And may we help somehow?
Complaints?.. Oh! Just hang on a tick
I'll transfer you right now!..."
"Good morning! Thanks for calling us!
We're pleased to hear from you!
Your call's important to us
So we've placed you in a queue."
Copyright; Ron Selby
http://www.funnypoets.com
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Want to leave your job and earn the same income
(or more) from poetry? You don't know where to start?
Find hundreds of tips and ideas from successful poets
in the exciting new e-book 'Earn a Full-time Income from
Part-time Poetry', compiled by Arcadia Flynn.
Omss, click here to find out more:
http://www.funnypoets.com/income4poets.htm
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Wealth Skills, P.O.Box 1041, Maleny, Qld 4552, Australia
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